Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infant

Loss Support

I would like to preface this with that I do not have personal experience in miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. 

However, I have been asked on several occasions to support women going through miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss either via group circles or one-on-one. This probably in response to my featuring of Grief in the monthly birth story circle I host.

I decided to put together a page to support women going through this and share resources I am familiar with or have been recommended to me by knowledgeable or women with lived experience. 

Please use resources that help you move through this time, by supporting you without ever taking the authority of your health and wellbeing away from you. My resources mentioned here will help you feel supported while accessing the healing powers within.

“Trust there is a health/power within us greater than trauma.”

-Silvia Urbani

Women with a wealth of information for support 

Samantha Zipporah www.samanthazipporah.com 

Molly Dutton Kenny www.mollyduttonkenny.com 

Qiddist Ashe thewombroom.co  

Amy Wright Glenn www.birthbreathanddeath.com 

Nicole Longmire www.mothernurturelactationservices.com 

Books

Carry You With Me - Alanna Knobben

The Wild Edge of Sorrow - Francis Weller

Birth, Breath, and Death - Amy Wright Glenn

Holding Space: On Loving, Dying, and Letting Go - Amy Wright Glenn

To Tend and To Hold - Elaine Santos Rosete

Practices

The same 5 postpartum essentials apply after any type or length of pregnancy, and again are supportive when going through any type of loss. In TCM, there is a stronger emphasis on these essentials, when there was a miscarriage, still birth or neonatal death.

It is never to late to offer oneself these practices, even if the ideal window is right after birth.

The 5 Traditional, cross-cultural postpartum essentials:

  1. An Extended Rest Period

    1. The body needs to rest to recover from pregnancy, the release, and any physical complications.

    2. The mind needs rest to accept and integrate the events.

    3. Emotions need rest to have the space to be felt and moved through.

    4. Insufficient rest is normal in the West, but not ok. Prolonged or excessive bleeding in the postpartum is a sign of needing more rest.

  2. Warming Therapies

    1. Heating pads

    2. Steaming (before and after the period of bleeding)

    3. Castor oil packs

    4. Moxabustion

    5. Sauna (once bleeding is done)

  3. Warm in Temperature, warm in nature, easy to digest, nutrient dense foods

    1. Bone broths

    2. Slow cooked meats

    3. Eggs

    4. Animal fats - ghee/butter in particular

    5. Animal organ meats, especially beef liver (can be taken in pill form)

    6. Soups and Stews

    7. Green leafy vegetables

    8. Soaked and rinsed, cooked, rice (white)

    9. Stay away from dairy, cold foods/smoothies, and processed foods in particular

  4. Body Work

    1. Abhyanga Massage

    2. Holistic Womb massage

    3. Pelvic Physiotherapy

    4. Craniosacral Therapy (including Biodynamic CT)

    5. Acupuncture

    6. Osteopathy 

  5. Community

Community is the foundation for the other 4 pillars of post-pregnancy health essentials

  1. Support with ongoing daily activities

    1. Meal Train

    2. Grocery Runs

    3. Laundry

    4. Dishes

    5. Dog walking

    6. Child Care

  2. Wise humans that can hold space and witness you as you accept and integrate the journey you are on, and have an understanding of the process of falling apart along the way.

  3. Closing of the Bones Ceremony to integrate the wisdom and gifts from this pregnancy and release/loss. 

  4. Sufficient community is the number 1 prevention for perinatal mood disorders. Therefore the first step in anxiety, depressive thoughts, or clinical depression should be increased efforts to build and use community.

Children and Grief

Having children around can make it more challenging to find rest and integration, and the children may have their own feelings or reflect any suppressed feelings in the family. 

It is important that you have both authenticity (honesty and transparency) as well as differentiation (explain your feelings/emotions towards the loss and your feelings/emotions towards the child are separate). 

Some ways this could look are:

“Mama is sad right now, as she is grieving a loss (you can say 'the loss of the baby’, if the child knew of the pregnancy). My grief is needed to move through this time of loss. Mama loves you, and the grief and loss have nothing to do with you, and aren’t caused by anything you did.” 

“Mama needs to rest more than normal, to help her heal. Can you colour/play Lego for a bit while I lay down? Afterwards can we read a book together? This way we can connect while my body can receive the rest it needs.” 

Finding support

When looking for groups and circles to support you through this time of loss and grief, you have to ask yourself if you will be a good fit. If the fit is not good enough, you may find yourself triggered by essential differences. 

For example, sitting in circle with women who’ve had a miscarriage in the first trimester, while for you it was the third trimester. Another example would be that you meet in a group with loss due to heart congeniality, however your baby’s death was neonatal (first 28 days) and involved the decision to stop the machines, vs a 17 year old child who suddenly passed, vs a spouse in their 60s. 

Things to think about when looking up a group or circle to see if you are a match, or so you know what else may be discussed:

  • How was conception?

  • When during the pregnancy did the abortion or miscarriage occur?

  • Was there a natural release?

  • Was there a medical reason?

  • Did you meet the baby in physical form? 

  • Was the journey medically complex? 

  • Did you ever think the baby was going to make it?

  • Did you have to make life and death decisions for your baby?

  • How recent was the loss?

Online groups

Return to Zero: H.O.P.E.

Postpartum Support International

Like a Mother IBCLC

I hope the information provided is offering some relief.

Please do not hesitate to reach out to me, if you are looking for more support.

I may be able to help you in the right direction.

Blessing for the Brokenhearted
by Jan Richardson

Perhaps for now
it can be enough
to simply marvel
at the mystery
of how a heart
so broken
can go on beating,

as if it were made
for precisely this ~
as if it knows
the only cure for love
is more of it,
as if it sees
the heart’s sole remedy
for breaking
is to love still,

as if it trusts
that its own
persistent pulse
is the rhythm
of a blessing
we cannot
begin to fathom
but will save us
nonetheless.

Let us agree
for now
that we will not say
the breaking
makes us stronger
or that it is better
to have this pain
than to have done
without this love.

Let us promise
we will not
tell ourselves
time will heal
the wound,
when every day
our waking
opens it anew.