Diversity and Safety in Circle
Now that there have been 4 circles, the feedback I am getting is more specific. It is fun to see how some things land differently for different people. For example, some are there more for the first part, learning more about emotions and through that increasing the capacity of our window of tolerance, and others are there more for the story telling. It’ll be interesting to see what the feedback will be after December, when I will do a birth debrief (Birth Story Listening©) instead of a story teller in the circle. In the end, the circle is an expression of me, and I’ve enjoyed all of it so far.
The circle is becoming more diverse in who is attending, and so I chose to sit with the piece on safety again. Healing happens only in safety, in the present moment. Healing while interacting/relating to others relies on connection and trust. What makes it safe for everyone from all different backgrounds and belief systems to attend, and place diversity rightly so we can focus on the intent of the circle?
For me it comes down to, first and foremost, radical responsibility. In the circle, and arguably in life, all you can control is yourself - and even that is debatable at times for me, ha. I therefore work mostly on how I can remain in my window of tolerance, regardless of another’s behaviour or presence. I have sat with the following questions over the years and they bring value again:
How do I listen to someone else while they deliver their message, or have a response to mine? How do I listen to someone saying something that isn’t inclusive (enough) of me? Can I remain with their message, while honouring myself?
How do I witness the somatic responses in my body and the thoughts in my mind that come up in response? Am I unable to fully digest the response in my body? Can I simply witness that? Can I celebrate when I AM able to fully digest it and remain or return to my window of tolerance?
Do I desire to save someone from their pain so I don’t need to feel it, rather than simply witnessing them, seeing how they are resilient even in this challenging moment?
Tunnel vision is common when I am triggered. Do I need to prove my point/belief, so I don’t have to feel the discomfort of leaning into someone else’s? If I perceive criticism or ‘below the belt’ comments, is that truly criticism, or am I simply perceiving it that way? Can I see how their different viewpoint could be a gift to the overall, shared intent we have? Is ‘do you want to be right or do you want to be in connection?’ the equivalent of adding water to the wine, of losing out?
“I’m overdoing it” - what is the core message below my reactivity that needs to be seen? Is me seeing it enough, or do I need to be witnessed in that by the other - in this moment or another?
Why do I need to say something out loud, how is that in service of me and in addition in service to others in the group? Is what I am planning to say in service of our shared intent, or do I risk a contraction in our connection? Is this present moment ‘the time and place’, or is there a better moment, one-on-one, outside of a group situation, if I really strongly feel I need to speak up?
How is what I am saying invalidating someone, not honouring inclusivity (at all, or not enough)? How is by me NOT saying something, doing just that? Is it on me to make sure someone else feels their experience is validated?
Let’s make connection the priority. Can I remain compassionate eye contact while experiencing conflict with or criticism from someone else?
Just in case someone thinks I have this all figured out because I can write this all down… I am right in the midst of confusion, chaos, and commitment to this myself, in particular with my spouse right now. I’ve had to let go of the details and go back to the basics of connection and trust. It works like a charm, and at the same time this isn’t easy.
I’d like to quote Silvia Urbani here again (translated from Italian), like I did in a previous circle:
“One of the most beautiful ways in which we can truly honour another person is to be deeply incarnated, deep in the body while we are in their presence.
Living and imbibing our essence as an absolute commitment to be here, to be here with you while I am with me.
It’s simple, it requires no words, it doesn’t even require practice.
It requires a quality of being that we choose to prioritize as a complete and total ode to love and life.”
- Silvia Urbani
Besides (re)orienting to true connection and trust, there is the choice to find one’s common ground. Some people will aim for a home birth, end up in the hospital, and find that traumatizing. Some people aim for a hospital birth and end up birthing before getting there, or before getting pain management, and they find that traumatizing. Some people have ‘the dream birth’ but are daily affected by disappointment in how others or they themselves showed up, and that is their challenge. Does the difference matter, actually? However you got there; trauma is stored in the body, and telling stories and being witnessed and validated are a significant part of healing. We all have in common that we experience struggles at times, and are looking for ways that best honour ourselves and our communities, including our struggles.
“In order to empathize with someone’s experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it, and not how you imagine their experience to be.
- Brene Brown”
I really think the ‘willing’ part in this quote by Brene Brown is key. To be willing to forget for a moment about one’s own life, experiences and acquired knowledge, while simultaneously not forgetting about how the present moment is landing in one’s body. To be willing to fully immerse oneself in another’s perspective and to be fully committed to curiosity and beginners mind.
Empathy means believing someone when they say they may never get over an experience, or that they don’t belong or aren’t worthy of belonging. In that moment that is true for them, even if we have lived through something similar before and know there is an end to this tunnel also. In that case, we actually know it makes sense for them to feel that way, because we’ve been there.
Empathy means believing someone when they say their belief is completely opposite from ours. If we lived their lives, and stood in their shoes in this present moment, we very likely would have the same beliefs and make similar choices, however painful that can be to acknowledge/entertain.
If I look at a birth belief of mine in particular: I believe we all are wired in our blood, bones and nervous system for a beautiful birth, after which the mother is radiating because she feels empowered and the baby is content in her arms. Instinctively we know what it takes to get there - just look at wild mammals, and there are plenty of human births that have shown just that - in a variety of settings. If people didn’t act in alignment with that wiring during a birth (like me during out first son’s birth, as well as the midwife and doctor in that birth), it doesn’t mean that wiring isn’t present for them. They may be run by how they were born into the world or by undigested conditioning or traumatizing experiences acquired during a lifetime of ‘humaning’, like me. They, like me, may very well have panicked, in which case I often start to grasp at control, and birth is about letting go into surrender. No wonder it didn’t go as intended, for that birth. If I can say that we are all born with the wiring for a beautiful birth, I become a little more curious about ‘what happened to you’, rather than ‘what is wrong with you’, in regards to someone not acting in alignment with that belief. This perspective change to ‘what happened’ includes a lot more compassion and trust, for me at least in regards to myself, the midwife and doctor of our first son’s birth.
In the end, this circle isn’t about educating people on their birth choices. The intent is not to discuss whether hospital births or home births are safe or not, or that a beautiful birth is possible only in one or the other setting. It’s not about who ‘failed’ and how they ‘failed’, or how they continue to ‘fail’.
The intent of this circle is to come together in community, to create a space of healing, to share commonalities and inspiration in regards to challenge - for the purpose of a felt sense of belonging and safety. To find ourselves on the other end of a challenging experience that is still having a grip on our present moments, and say ‘now what?’ and ‘turns out I’m not alone in this’.
The intent of my circle is also very strongly to share that wounds are an amazing opportunity to acquire wisdom and gems for ourselves, and discover gifts we (already or since) have for our community. The key word I hope is Trust; trust in life, trust that life supports us, trust that all is in service of wholeness, no matter how hard. That gravity perhaps isn’t so much pulling us down, but perhaps giving the resistance for us to feel how strong we stand. How worthy gravity thinks we are, and how held we are by The Great Mother.
One last point. Speaking about diversity, I am hoping to reflect more diversity in the stories told, since the last few stories have had a medical theme. For example, I’d love to feature a birth where the challenge was in relationship, and I have someone in mind for that. A common theme we’ve had also is where the challenge was with not being able to control what others do during a birth, where as for some the challenge lies in acceptance of our own choices and behaviours.
It has been an amazing space to be part of, and I hope anyone reading this, who hasn’t experienced it yet, will one day. :)
